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Jun 10

Coping with the Loss of a Child


Radio Interview: The Unfolding of a Rose

Listen To Mamie Smith Talk About Her Book

Author, Mamie Smith gives the listeners insights into why she wrote The
Unfolding of a Rose, the impact it had on her life and how she arrived
at the title. She also explains what the words “Christian Scientist”
mean. This interview captures your interest, inspires and elevates your
thoughts, and touches your soul.Click on the link below, or copy and paste it to your browser:Radio Interview: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/mamie-smith/2009/11/01/mamie-smith-aut… Unfolding-of-a-Rose

Coping with the Pain of Losing a Child

What to Do and How to Do It!

Two headlines evaded my thoughts, threatened to take away my joy, and caused me to re-examine if the existence of many human beings is merely
to have a negative impact on the world. The precise headlines will not
be used, but the version below will tell the story.

“Five-Year-Old Child Raped and Murdered” and “Young Male Shot by Father!”

Headlines of this nature are almost impossible for the human psyche to
comprehend. The first thing that comes to mind is What occurred in a
person’s mind to allow it to think in such a manner? How does one get
there? and How do you fix it? Horrific examples of man’s inhumanity to
man have existed since mankind staked out a claim in the world.

One has only to reflect on the crucifixion of Jesus, the mutilation of
Christians, and the burning at the stake of women; but when innocent
children feel the evil of such a distorted mind, it becomes most
unsettling.

Lust, gluttony and escape from punishment caused the raping of the
child, and the inability to cope with human frailties caused the death
of the son. Evil uncontrolled and unstopped expands and explodes into
more and more vicious and deplorable acts. What does one do?

Coping with the death of a child is heart-wrenching–a death like no
other. It rips the foundation of existence from its base, and tears
away everything that one holds dear. The scene is played over and over
in the mind.   Blame. guilt and helplessness overshadow any sense of
faith one has–yes faith in God. You feel somehow that God could have
prevented it, and you wonder why He didn’t. There is only one solution
that heals–replacing the deep-seated pain with love. Yes! How do you
love the person who killed and mutilated your child? You don’t! You
love the opposite of the guy who harmed your child! You heard me
correctly! When anger, bitterness, hate and the desire to do something
unimaginable to that person tries to fill your thoughts, you
counter it with: “There is only one person that God created, and
that person is kind, loving and supportive. He would never do anything
to harm a child.”

It is essential to point out that you are not saying
the act committed by your child’s assailant was kind and loving. You
are re-focusing your thought on the one man–the only man, the one God
created. This will be the most difficult thing that you have ever done
in your life, but it has to be done. Why? To free yourself from hate
and bitterness. You say, “I want to hate him! He hurt my child!” You
don’t! Hate only destroys the person carrying it around.

In order to free yourself from this horrible act, you must constantly replace
mortal thoughts with immortal ones. The more you do it, the easier it
becomes. Will you forget what happened to your child? Probably not.
Forgiving and forgetting are two different things. Forgiving helps one
to remove the human emotions such as guilt, pain, grief, hate and the
desire to destroy, whereas forgetting removes the experience from
memory. Sometimes both occur, but in a case such as this, the memory
may remain, but the pain evaporates. Am I speaking theory? No, I am
speaking from experience. There are words that can fill your heart with
love when it appears to be breaking. Learn these words and use them at
the times you feel the greatest hate, pain and suffering. It took two
years, working daily, for me to remove the anger that I felt for the
doctor whom I felt made a mistake that resulted in the death of my
daughter. When I think of him now, I feel love for God’s perfect
expression of Himself. Every man, no matter the act, in reality, is a
child of God. The mistake people make, is trying to love the human that
committed the act. Evil should be condemned, but hate reversed with
love.

In my book The Unfolding of a Rose, I give a day-by-day, blow-by-blow
account of how I gained dominion over sin and death. Healing does come,
and when it does, you will glorify God for giving you the strength and
courage to find it.

Thoughts from parents who have lost children:

“A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a
wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an
orphan. But . . .there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that’s
how awful the loss is” (Neugeboren 1976, 154)!

“Children are not supposed to die…Parents expect to see their children
grow and mature. Ultimately, parents expect to die and leave their
children behind. . . This is the natural course of life events, the life
cycle continuing as it should. The loss of a child is the loss of
innocence, the death of the most vulnerable and dependent. The death of
a child signifies the loss of the future, of hopes and dreams, of new
strength, and of perfection” (Arnold and Gemma 1994, iv, 9, 39).

“When a parent dies, you lose your past; when a child dies, you lose your future.”  Anonymous

“This space is with me all the time it seems. Sometimes the empty space
is so real I can almost touch it. I can almost see it. It gets so big
sometimes that I can’t see anything else”  (Arnold and Gemma 1983, 56).

In the life that we live, expectations are like footprints in the sand,
they blow away with the wind, but the memory of their existence does
not have to be painful. Love yourself and be free!

To purchase, click here:

 

Birthdays That Come After the Child Has Gone

Coping with Your Deceased Child’s Birthday

The day approaches!  You know it’s coming, but you dread it!   Why?  It’s your child’s birthday, but you have no child.   It’s gone.  It’s only a memory!
Death snatched it from your view. It does not matter if it were taken
by disease, crime, accident, or suicide. The pain is the same. The
tears fall just as long, and just as hard! How do you cope?

My day is today–February 4th!  The birthday of my deceased daughter–once a day of joy, now a  day
that is easy to dread.   How am I doing? Very well! You see, I
learned a few years ago that it is fruitless to try to learn about
death, when learning about life brings more happiness.  My husband
asked, “Do you know what day this is?” I answered, “Yes!” It is a day
where life has no beginning, therefore, it can have no ending. My
husband did not respond, so I left for work. During the long drive, I
contemplated how I arrived at giving such a response.

Through prayer, inspiration, and revelation, I discovered that a
person’ life is measured by day-to-day expressions of Life, Truth and
Love. These are synonyms for God, and since God is eternal, all life is
eternal. How is divine Life expressed humanly? With a smile that
brightens the day, words that foster joy, and a heart that over-flows
with tenderness.

My daughter had a dazzling smile, a warm heart and
words of laughter! She was the center of our world, but a connection to
God’s world! Her expressions of life are reflected in the self-portrait
she gave me, the store she designed, and the flower arrangements that
warm our home. Her beauty, joy, love and dominion are everywhere,
because they dwell in the infinite Mind, God.
I smiled as I remembered my daughter’s life. I hear her saying, “Mom, do not cry, do not weep,
I am not dead, I do not sleep., My smile is just as bright today as it
was the day I went away.” I believe that! She, as well as your child,
lives in a consciousness different from ours, but nevertheless, THEY
LIVE!  Their lives are not desolate, lonely and sad, because they are
holding the hand of the only Dad. That Dad is God.  Being is Spirit, and
they are infinite spiritual ideas, living in the consciousness of Soul.

Many parents try to forget that their children are gone, because
remembering is too painful. Healing takes place by living WITH you
child, remembering the times that you shared together, not by trying to
forget them. There are websites that allow you to talk about your
child, share your love, and deal with your pain. I would like to list a
few below:

http://www.journaltimes.com/news/local/article_aaacb75a-e86e-11de-a…
You may need to copy and paste it in your browser.

Excerpts from the site:

“Parents remember their deceased children at holiday candle-lighting ceremony.”

RACINE – Tara Fisher lit two candles Sunday night, one for each of her dead sons.

Fisher, 34, of Racine, lost a 7-year-old son four years ago to a heart
condition, and Saturday she experienced a miscarriage and lost another
son, who was 4 months in the womb.

For parents like Fisher, feelings of loss and grief are all too common,
especially during the holidays, typically a time of family
togetherness. That’s why the Racine/Kenosha Chapter of The
Compassionate Friends held a candle lighting memorial event Sunday
night for the parents of deceased children.

“They need to include the child in the holiday and this is our way of starting it out,” said event organizer Peg”

Another site urges parents to talk about their deceased children:
http://www.beyondindigo.com/forums/view_topic.php?id=872&forum_…

They talk:

“Its hard to be on here anymore I don’t get to see my grandchild and my
daughter is gone and its been two and a half years and it seems like no
one remembers her anymore. she was a beautiful person and would help
anyone, she proved that by not thinking of herself when she was sick. I
don’t get to see my grandson anymore his dad has moved on with his
life. I wish I was able to move on but she was my little girl and
always will be. I know I’m rambling but I’m a little down today have
tried to forget with Facebook and my space games, but reality hits me
once again. She’s gone!”

“Hello!
Could you take a moment out of your days and elect Beyond Indigo for
the spotlight program for American Express? You have to register but
then you can vote for us. We need 50 nominations by tomorrow night
Midnight!! If we win then we receive 100,000 dollars which I want to
put towards a site administrator for this website. Can you please help
and pass the word to the others?”

“Just go to http://shinealight.ivillage.com/, click nominees and type
in Beyond Indigo and our name will pop up. The direct link to the page
is here at
http://shinealight.ivillage.com/nominees/?PerPage=10&Order=&amp….
Let’s shoot for 50 plus nominees by tomorrow night! Thank you for your help.”

“So sorry you had to visit this site, but what a wonderful site it is.
Your son looks young. My Brian was 16 when he died 6-19-08 from a car crash.”

“Be kind to yourself. My father and I are estranged and my mother passed on 2-7-08.
I have one sister and my Husband has 4 sibling, only 2 involved with our lives.
We visit when I am able to. Not so much physically, but emotionally. I
used to get panic attacks and realized I was forcing myself to do
things my body and mind were not ready to do.”

These are a couple ways many parents are dealing with the death of
their children.  During the darkest moments of my life, I clung to God.
It was during one of those moments that a mental voice urged me to
write down my daughter’s story.

Two years of struggling yielded a book
entitled “The Unfolding of a Rose.”  Not only was my daughter’s life
unfolded in this book, mine was also.  Every person’s life is like a
flower, it unfolds day-by-day through the expression of the divine
qualities of life. Reach out and pluck your child’s life, embrace it,
and love will find a way to dissolve the pain, guilt and sorrow.

If you received comfort and a sense of peace as a result of reading this blog, share it with someone you think can benefit also.  Send them an email.  Also, visit the site again when your child’s birthday comes around.

We are doing it together!

Mamie Smith is a writer, retired vocal music teacher, and businesswoman. Dr. Smith is currently writing her second book and lives Michigan.

Tags:  faith, hope, Loss of a child, loss,coping with death

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